Postpartum Weight Loss and Body Image

The last full body picture taken of me at 38 weeks - a month before Vela's birth

My daughter is officially 16 months old, and I'm still hanging on to a lot of pregnancy weight. This is a hard subject for me to talk about because I'm ashamed for not snapping back like I wish I would have. I was an athlete in high school and through some college, and I was always in incredible shape. The past 10 years I've progressively gained weight, but I've always fluctuated between the same 20 pounds. At my biggest, the day I gave birth, I was 260 pounds. That was a hard pill for me to swallow.

I tend to fully embrace the holiday season foodwise, starting with Halloween candy every year. Thanksgiving rolls around, and I'm in full-on comfort food mode. Pie, cookies, pasta, cheese plates, beer, wine, hot dishes, you name it, I'm all in! My new year's resolution every year is to lose weight. My job with the Minnesota Twins keeps me active, so between my complete 180 in eating habits, and my job that starts every year in April, I've been successful at losing the winter weight, until fall rolls around and I start all over. Well, in 2016, I got pregnant in January. That put a huge damper on my weight loss routine. I'm 5'6, curvy, and my comfort zone is around 140 pounds. The day I found out I was pregnant, I was 170 pounds - at the time, the biggest I've ever been. Losing the weight was the last thing on my mind, I was having a baby! and everything made me nauseous and exhausted. During my first trimester, I wanted nothing to do with meat, or produce; just looking at it made me want to vomit. I would constantly snack on carbs. My favorite meal was buttered noodles - not very healthy. I was a server at the time, and it took all my energy to pretend like I wasn't completely nauseous or experiencing random spurts of dizziness, so when I wasn't working, I would lay around, doing nothing. or eating.

I experienced swelling off the bat, I would look down at my legs, and I wouldn't recognize them. Every prenatal check-up, My doctor showed concern about the swelling, but with no other symptoms, it was just something to keep an eye on. Well, there was one other symptom, I was consistently gaining too much weight, and I am part to blame. I was hungry all the time, so I thought, why not indulge in those cravings! No, I wouldn't sit there and scarf down a whole pizza, but I was constantly snacking, the worst being in the middle of the night. I used to be a hard sleeper, but since pregnancy, I tend to toss and turn all night. I would get sick of laying there trying to sleep, recognize the feeling of hunger, wake up and chug orange juice, along with eating whatever snacky thing was hanging around the kitchen. Sometimes this would happen a few times a night. This is a habit I didn't completely break until this new year. It became such a routine, that at times, I didn't even realize I was doing it - it was like it happened in a dream. In my last trimester, my body felt like it was shutting down. My whole body was so swollen, it was hard for me to sleep because I could hear the water behind my eardrums. I thought it was caused by my eating habits, so I really watched what I ate the last few months. My blood pressure progressively got higher, I would experience shooting pain followed by numbness in my legs and hands, along with dizzy spells. I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia at 10 days overdue and was immediately induced. Due to the extreme swelling during pregnancy, I experienced joint pain and ab separation for months after giving birth; to help with this, I went through physical therapy once a week for six months.

Between my eating habits and the Preeclampsia, I gained 85 pounds during my pregnancy. To help me get through my pregnancy, I would constantly tell myself, "Don't worry, you're going to bounce back." even though my doctor told me it would take two years to lose all the weight. I was determined to get back to my old self. The weeks and months postpartum, the swelling slowly subsisted, and I dropped 25 pounds pretty easily. I had loose skin absolutely everywhere. My ankles, back, armpits, everywhere. I was so ashamed of the way my body looked, that I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't help but compare myself to other moms that gave birth around the same time as me. They seemed to be losing the weight, but I could seem to shake it off. I was breastfeeding and assumed the weight would fall off because of that. After talking with my doctor, she said that is only true in a third of breastfeeding women. It does help shrink the uterus, but you do need to maintain a higher caloric intake while breastfeeding so most women will hold on to a bit of weight until they're done. However, she was talking about 10-15 pounds, not 60. My priority during Vela's first year wasn't losing the weight. I wanted to make sure I was producing enough milk pumping, but most importantly, spend time with my new baby.

This fall I really started to kick my butt into gear. As Vela's first birthday approached, I wanted to take family pictures, but after shopping for clothes to wear, I decided not to. I didn't want to spend money on pictures when I was soo uncomfortable in my own skin. That's when I really started to realize I needed to make a change. Baseball season was coming to an end, so with my new found "free time" I decided to get a membership to the YMCA. This was the perfect decision for my family because it also gave Vela time to play and socialize. I loved the idea of being able to take her with me, and check in on her. When I first started working out, I started off slow. I would work out a few days a week, cardio for 20 minutes, weight training for 20 minutes. I had to accept the fact that I would be starting as a beginner, and that was okay. The thing I didn't realize would be so hard, was all the mirrors everywhere. I would catch glimpses of myself working out, and I wouldn't recognize the person staring back at me. This holiday season, I didn't lose any weight, but I also didn't gain any, which is a first for me. As the new year approached, I didn't want to have my generic, "lose weight" resolution, I wanted to go deeper than that. This year, I've decided to put ME first. This was a hard resolution for me to make, being a mom it comes naturally to put myself on the backburner, but what I've come to realize is to be a better mom to Vela, I have to take care of myself. I didn't want to make any crazy life changes that I would neglect a few weeks later, I started with baby steps - the first being to stop the mid-night eating. Now, over two months in, I'm working out three days a week, with my first personal training appointment starting next week! I'm so excited to make these changes for myself, not only physically, but mentally. Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym, instead of looking away ashamed at what I see, I'll say out loud, "lookin good mama" - I feel it's important to give myself that reassurance, and really practice self-love.

I'm currently at 185lbs, down 75lbs since giving birth - something I am very proud of. I hope to reach my goal of 140lbs by the end of this year. I'll make sure to update my journey as it unfolds.