My Breastfeeding Experience

A little over a week ago, when Vela was sick and up at all hours of the night, I stopped pumping without even realizing it. I cut down to one pump a day beforehand, with plans to completely wean, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess this was natures way of taking the pressure off of me. It's crazy to think I started off breastfeeding so overwhelmed, and couldn't wait for it to end, yet here I am, sad to see it do so.

I'd like to back things up to the day my daughter was born. I developed an infection during labor called Chorio, which may have passed on to Vela. At the time of Vela's birth, she was immediately brought to the NICU to receive treatment and given donor milk. We didn't have our first breastfeeding session until she was eight hours old. A mixture of receiving the milk freely, inverted nipples, and her small mouth made it hard for her to latch. We worked with four different lactation specialist during our two-day stay. On paper, we were doing everything correctly, but Vela wouldn't sustain a latch. To help my milk come in, I had to pump after every attempt to feed, meaning I would breastfeed 8-10x a day AND pump 8-10X a day. On the day we were discharged, I broke down. I was worried I wouldn't be able to feed my baby because we were primarily depending on donor milk. Our nurse sent us home with some formula, which we ended up not needing, but it provided us with great peace of mind. After all, a fed baby is what's best!

Luckily on day three, my milk came in, and lots of it! We would push pumped milk through a plastic syringe into a tube that was taped to my chest and inserted into a nipple shield. This was meant to encourage latching, with the instant gratification Vela was already used to. I want to clarify that when I say we, I really do mean WE. Matt helped me with every single breastfeeding session. He took a month unpaid paternity leave, and I'm so glad he did. I 100% believe that if I didn't have his support, I would have given up right away. He would warm up the milk, push milk through the syringe for every feeding, adjusting the tubes and tape placement based on Vela's position, inserting a clean pinky into Vela's mouth whenever she had a bad latch, set up the pump, and wash the pump parts for me so I could get some sleep, just to name a few. I know I'm forgetting some things most likely due to my sleep deprived, new mom brain - at the time.

Over the next few weeks, we continued to see two different lactation specialist, for a total of six appointments. We purchased the Breast Friend for twins, so we had the exact same nursing pillow as the lactation clinic. We gradually took the syringe contraption away, but our issue now, was her mouth slipping down, and her biting my nipple in frustration. Not only was this causing me extreme pain, but after a few latch adjustments, she would cry so hard and refuse to try again. There were times I would endure the pain, but I'd end up crying or screaming myself. My nipples would bleed after every feeding, and I ended up getting Mastitis in my right breast. Anxiety would creep up on me everytime I knew I had to breastfeed again. We were getting no sleep between the breastfeeding attempts and pumping. I've heard how breastfeeding was supposed to be this amazing bonding experience, but I felt quite the opposite. I was in pain, I was frustrated, and I was defeated.
By the time Matt went back to work, I wasn't able to breastfeed on my own. Matt had a short three day week, so we took a break from latching, to give my nipples a chance to heal. This was our first time giving Vela pumped milk in a bottle. I was still pumping eight times a day, but I could enjoy feeding her in my arms without the pain and failure of yet another unsuccessful breastfeeding attempt. I didn't need to spend what felt like an eternity trying to calm her down, to get her to drink milk out of a syringe while she practiced latching on my finger. Instead, I would stare at her while she drank her milk from a bottle, mesmerized by her tiny mouth sucking away, wondering to myself, "Are those my ears she has, or Matt's?" then I'd burp her, and I'd talk to her while she smiled at me. To you, these may sound like normal things you do with your newborn, but for me, at three weeks old, this was my first time. I realized I was more than a sleep-deprived disappointment of a food source. Vela was no longer constantly in distress. We finally were able to relish in each others company.

For the next week, we had one more lactation appointment and continued to try to feed from the breast, but things were different this time around. My heart was no longer in it, I started to realize this may not be the best thing for us. I was so determined to make breastfeeding successful, that I stopped thinking about what was best for me and my relationship with my baby. It was an internal struggle, but I finally came to realize just because we weren't able to breastfeed in the traditional sense, that everything was going to be okay. Fortunately, my milk supply was great, and Vela had no issues with my milk, so pumping exclusively was an option. Once I started to pursue this option, it took away the wave of anxiety my new little family was caring around. Pumping at all hours of the day was no easy feat, but Matt and I were able to switch off bottle feeding Vela, and it became a new normal part of our routine. Now, I can wholeheartedly say I successfully exclusively pumped for 15 months and that's something I'm proud of.